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here we go round the mulberry bush

what follows is, essentially, repetitive repetition, a monologue that habitually brings to your attention more or less what i probably said last year, and the year before that, and the year... well, you catch my drift. on saturday 4 july, as the americans celebrate their independence day, a large group of professional cyclists will undertake a french team time trial in spain - because they can - beginning three weeks of purgatory for many, ending in glory for at least one. already, wout van aert will be conspicuous by his absence, along with last year's fourth placed oscar onley, the young scot recruited by ineos on the strength of his impressive showing in last year's event.

funny old world.

last year's victor, tadej pogacar, is reputedly in fine form, having left the giro d'italia to his principal opponent, but reputedly dominated the tour de suisse in fine style. as if solely to confirm robert millar's contention that "it's all entertainment", the two top riders have studiously refrained from competing against each other, while showing victorious tendencies in races of suitable importance. this has set the scene for these three weeks in july where quite literally none of us have the faintest idea who is riding better than the other.

that's no accident.

but despite the veracity of the above statement, that hasn't prevented all and sundry from asking the somewhat rhetorical question, "who will win this year's tour de france?". it is a question for which there is currently, no right or wrong answer. however, my perennial point, verging on boring, is why is anyone publicly asking the question in the first place? is not the whole point of a sporting event that the audience, whether in person at the roadside, or comfortably distant, watching on the telly box, doesn't know the answer until the end?

the escape collective has skirted around asking the question directly, pretending to not be a part of the punditry, offering instead "what are the real rules of the tour de france", "how the last ten years of the tour were won." and a stage by stage guide. cycling news has, once again, engaged the expertise of pippa york, though its not stopped short of actually asking "who will win the tour de france 2026?". fellow future publishing news outlet, cycling weekly has included a tour guide with this week's issue and youtubers, gcn has also allowed itself the luxury of asking who might arrive in paris wearing the yellow jersey as part of its tour preview video.

with no intention of disrespecting the two gents presenting the above video, when pointing out that "the rider who covers the course in the shortest time will wear the yellow jersey", the only satisfactory riposte would surely be "no shit sherlock."

i am, admittedly, very poorly informed as to who is riding in which team, and which of them is in the form of his life. as mentioned above, we all know that vingegaard and pogacar are both in fine form and, if all goes according to plan, will stand on the paris podium in first and second place. in which order, nobody actually knows, despite pippa, the folks at escape collective, gcn and the cycling arm of future publishing being considerably better informed than am i. which is, once again, and despite what anyone tells you, the whole point.

as ever, throughout those three weeks, thewashingmachinepost will be a safe haven for those searching for a quiet corner in which to ignore the tour. now that channel five has kindly made an arrangement with tnt sports to show daily highlights, i will be watching, but uncharacteristically, saying nothing. if channel five had any grasp on velocipedinal reality, they'd have engaged the services of ned and david, and all would be well with the world, but if we can't have the yellow jumper, we'll simply have to make do.

the union cycliste international has an enviable reputation as the creator of utterly pointless rules and regulations, some of which seem very much at odds with the sport of which they are reputed to be in charge. however, i would stand outside the front door of the croft and roundly applaud the inmates of aigle, if they would only pass a by-law preventing any form of cycling punditry before the race enters its third week, by which time the words of the sport's alleged experts would surely be surplus to requirements.

the moral of this story? keep your ideas to yourselves and just watch the bike race. the fastest rider, as has been the case since 1903, will win.

monday 29 june 2026

insignificant

as bostonians and floridians proclaim their delight at the behaviour of scotland's world cup tartan army, due to their enthusiasm, ability to drink pubs dry, sense of humour, charitable donations and versatilities in playing the great highland bagpipes, weather forecasters on this side of the pond seem considerably less interested in the country from which they travelled. granted, there are several genuine reasons for this, but once again the country appears to have fallen foul of generalisation, a situation that, if viewed through a particular lens, gives some idea of why there are repetetive calls for independence.

central europe and the southern part of the british isles has not fared particularly well during the heatwave that has caused several deaths in france and brought record temperatures on the more northerly landmass across the channel. scotland, on the other hand, while warmed by cloying sunshine, has, happily, not found itself subject to red or amber heat warnings and a concomitant threat to health. hosepipe bans are unlikely. but to read the self-anointed, national press (why are the herald and scotsman regarded as saliently indigenous, while the guardian, telegraph and times are national?), it is britain that is in danger of overheating, rather than just those living in proximity to the cardiff/london equator?

to be unapologetically parochial, islay's particular heatwave topped out at just below twenty degrees, almost half the temperatures experienced in the south. because we are domiciled on a rock in the north atlantic, the ambient temperature is invariably softened by cooling sea breezes, for which we are eternally grateful - at least during this part of the year - and no doubt the envy of those who have to work in offices and retail outlets in the centre of the nation's capital city.

for most of last week, the bbc's website has been notably obsessed by the temperatures induced by an apparently static dome of heat. since that has undoubtedly been a focus point for news outlets across the country and neighboring continent, one could confidently say that the national broadcaster was simply carrying out its prime directive, yet conveniently ignoring the majority of the british mainland which wasn't suffering from stifling heat. i am very much not in favour of scotland becoming an independent country, but at times like this, i begin to see the point.

were it not guilty of unwarranted agrrandisement, it might be possible to entitle this state of affairs as a tale of two cities, except one of those cities is not like the other. according to xc weather, an online forecast relied upon by many in the hebrides, including calmac's ferry captains, my saturday bike ride was undertaken in temperatures of near 16 degrees, fanned by a south easterly breeze gusting to 50kph. you can share in my exasperation when i mention that the average wind speed was reputed to be a more lowly and moderate 25kph, but, along with every other member of the velo club peloton, i have yet to comprehend from where this average wind speed is derived; on the bicycle, it's only ever the 50kph part that slows us down.

there may have been lengthy moments of glorious sunshine and warmth that encouraged unfettered wearing of bibshorts and short-sleeve jerseys, but in mere moments, that transformed to seriously overcast with light rain that demanded i wear my back pocket, stowaway waterproof on the ride home. in terms of pinpoint reportage, very much a case of nothing to see here. only a week or so past, as i returned from froth-supping at debbie's, i came across two visiting cyclists struggling greatly into a bowmore headwind. i cannot deny that i experienced pangs of guilt, bordering on arrogance, as i cycled past them with ease, offering a hardly helpful "afternoon" as i overtook. years and years of riding in considerably stronger winds than these have inured members of the velo club to the supposed disadvantages; we know it's windy, but we don't really care.

if pressed, i'd struggle to identify the point of today's monologue. perhaps i'm just fed up with the the south of england being the litmus paper for the entire country's meteorological woes. though residents of that particular region are being overwhelmed with advice on how to survive the heat, i do not recall much in the way of similar, yet converse advice to their more northerly counterparts when the winter months prove cold, wet and storm-ridden. and apropos of nothing in particular, always remember that it's not a headwind if it's below 40kph. that's just a breeze.

were this a letter to the times or the guardian, it would undoubtedly be signed disgruntled of the hebrides.

sunday 28 june 2026

lasting impressions

it's when you watch tv shows from yesteryear, or movies from last century, that the march of progress becomes all too visible. cathode ray tube (crt) televisions and computer monitors, the latter of which arrived with their own set of health and safety accoutrements abound. in my early days as a graphic designer, all the crt monitors featured gauze-type screen filters to mitigate the reputedly damaging effects of screen flicker as the cathode ray zig-zagged across the glass, refreshing around 65,000 times per second. you wouldn't imagine that's an action that the human eye could distinguish, but apparently below 75 hertz, the brain could detect the flicker. hard to believe, but apparently true.

modernity has brought us a large array of light emitting diodes which are either on or off, so the flicker is effectively non-existent, and the gauze filter has gone the way of the dodo. if memory serves correctly, however, the filter was accompanied by instruction to take a ten minute break from screen use every forty minutes; with present day work patterns, that would probably prove untenable. i also had a wrist rest which truthfully was of little use since i am not a competent touch typist, and though i still have one sat in front of my keyboard, its purpose is solely to support my wacom tablet when editing in photoshop, where it keeps the oblong of plastic clear of the keys. and finally was a footrest as the last step in approved ergonomics.

that particular item followed the path of the screen filter as an unheeded anachronism.

every week, on the inside back page of the comic, it has been the publication's habit to feature a vintage steel bicycle, occasionally beautifully and respectably restored, though for some reason, frequently sat on deflated tyres that have definitely seen better times. ornate lugwork, downtube gear levers operating a pair of friction-shifting derailleurs, a graceful, one-piece alloy stem grasping a set of polished alloy handlebars and brake levers from which emerge two arcs of brake cable as they make their way respectively to polished alloy rim brakes set to stop two 700c wheels featuring at least 32 stainless spokes built three-cross onto polished silver hubs, reflecting the same finish on a double chainset bolted to a square-taper bottom bracket.

missing in action are the combined brake/gear levers, wireless or otherwise; nary a cable or hose is to be suspected 'neath tightly wound flimsy bar tape. nor is there any sign of a crank-fitted power meter or bulky derailleurs augmented by chunky batteries. though i'm not convinced the current flavour of campagnolo wireless front gear mech has gained much in the way of aesthetic value over its predecessor, the polished equivalents from yesteryear are far more pleasing to the eye. and though possibly seen through rose-tinted oakleys, my recollection is that they worked every bit as efficiently as those moved by the simple press of a button.

the mighty dave-t, in whose heyday such bicycles were state of the art, claims to have no desire to return to such times, far happier with the gear levers on the brakes than having to lean down and change via the downtube. i'm not sure i'd disagree with him, though i spent far fewer years having to do so than did he.

i do have a particular soft spot for brake cables which exit the top of the bar-mounted levers; i'm firmly of the opinion that concealing them inside the bars and subsequently within the frame and head tube is pure aesthetics and offers little or no reduction in the bicycle's drag co-efficiency whatsoever. i refuse to believe external cabling is the difference between winning and losing, and certainly of no practical benefit to those of us who actually pay for our bicycles.

but however sleek and efficient is the modern road bike, and i would be a fool to deny that contemporary carbon fibre has not played an integral part in the increased speed of many of today's grand tours and one-day classics, in fifty years' time, assuming the comic is still in print, will we apportion similar nostalgic approbation on the likes of a factor vam, colnago y1rs or pinarello dogma? when modern bicycle design is the result of computational fluid dynamics and intensive wind tunnel testing, it seems eminently possible that any pleasing features are purely co-incidental. steel allows for round, narrow tubing, possessing both efficiency and beauty in the same package, principally because the majority were handbuilt and not necessarily to exclude all but that which had proved energy efficient.

even the bicycles which you and i have the opportunity to purchase from our nearest independent bike shop, have been the result of endless calculations. still handbuilt, but at the behest of the numbers that purport to dictate where there is need for extra carbon to resist the torque we'd like to think we have at our behest. though i willingly admit to over-reaching luddite tendencies that undoubtedly skew my sensibilities in the opposite direction from what can only be recognised as the modern way, i have my doubts whether our visual appreciation of present day state-of-the-art will equal that endeared by the comic's back pages of today.

mind you, i have exactly the same opinion of modern pop music.

today's monologue was brought to you by gene krupa's 1940s vinyl recording 'that drummer's band' on the encore label.

saturday 27 june 2026

are we being served?

a few days ago, i detailed the endless conundrums facing yours truly, and, by implication, any other potential customer, when attempting to choose a hypothetical new bicycle. i should point out at this juncture, the hypothetical may or may not become reality in the latter part of this year.

just saying.

to be honest, i truly thought, when initially broaching the subject, that i had effectively made a cogent decision, one which i would ultimately reveal after my usual monologue of digressions. however, as i attempted to frame the various options available to an innocent bystander attempting to acquire a new gravel/cyclocross bicycle, i ultimately came to the conclusion that, in fact, i had not actually found a bicycle that suited my demanding requirements.

at least a part of this lack of closure is as a result of my knowing too much about bicycles. though i have desisted from reviewing bicycles in recent years, i have sufficient experience of doing so to effectively know what's what. i harbour strong suspicions that the process would be so much simpler for those less-informed, making a choice based on colour, cost, or advertising. i, on the other hand, have preferred brands, preferred frame material, preferred groupsets, but essentially, little concern over colour. yet even with so few variables, governed to a certain degree by price point, i struggled to find something that ticked all the boxes, or even a majority.

however, simply for the purposes of comparison, i sneaked a look at the ford motor company's website to learn of the motor industry's modus operandi. given the number of options even from a single manufacturer (including vans and evs, ford offers 13 models from which to choose) there are too many options to constrain this article to manageable proportions. therefore, for no specific reason, i opted to look at the ford puma, as it happens, britain's best selling motor car. ford offers the option to build your own, following which, it promises to provide an on-the-road price on culmination of all your choices.

for the puma, there are six pre-determined packages, each with a higher retail cost than the preceding one. therefore choosing the titanium option will lower your bank account by £27,145. should you fancy pushing the boat out, however, you could aim straight for the st package, by which time the price ticket has risen to £34,000, while the alloy wheel size has increased from 17" to a neighbour impressing 19". quite what that extra 2" diameter achieves, i am insufficiently well-informed to say.

the customer then has the option of three powertrains, seven colours, interior trim and ten optional extras. checking every addition available resulted in an on-the-road promotion price of £37,150. i hardly need point out that you could acquire two colnago c72s for that sort of money.

it would be naive to think that any cycle manufacturer would offer such a comprehensive range of choices, because, as far as i know, few of them offer a build-to-order service. however, i have learned, as will many others, that, if i fancied a specialized crux 5 comp, for example, i do not have the luxury of choosing the brand of groupset, nor any more than two remarkably similar colour options. you would, to a certain extent, be quite correct in pointing out that i could purchase frame and fork before building it up to suit. but a crux comp with a sram rival xplr retails at £4,000, while the only frame option is the top-of-the-range s-works carbon frame. that alone would set me back £5,250. buying the complete s-works bicycle, with sram red xplr is a princely £12,000, but negates any individual choices.

whether you think it equitable that top-of-the-range bicycle costs one-third the price of a top-of-the-range mid-price family saloon, depends very much on your sense of value.

i was under the (mistaken) impression that german manufacturer canyon featured a minimal build-to-order service, where i might choose a replica of mathieu van der poel's championship-winning inflite cfr team, but on perusing their website, the only option available was that of frame size. no alternative colours, no choice of groupset nor additional componentry. thinking perhaps this was not something applicable to their cyclocross range, i chose instead the aeroad cfr axs, which is highlighted as customisable, and then we were talking: twelve colour options, seven frame sizes, and choice of two handlebars and three drop curve ergonomics. from my point of view, that's where the system failed, as i was offered only the choice of sram red with power meter. no alternative make and model of groupset and not even the choice of lower-price sram, or the option to rid myself of a powermeter.

as i mentioned above, it would be iniquitous to expect cycle manufacturers to offer the level of sophistication provided by the motor industry, but if they are as in tune with their customer base as i think they really ought to be, it should be perfectly apparent that those likely to be choosing from the upper ranges mostly have our favourite groupset providers. even colnago offers their top-of-the-range carbon fibre outfitted with sram, shimano or campagnolo, though it may be that the national importer doesn't actually stock all three. however, i'm sure if you asked windwave to order a v5rs with campagnolo 13-speed wireless record groupset, for a modest deposit, they'd happily order you one.

sram, shimano and campagnolo all spend substantial amounts on marketing their latest wares, even if often constrained to the upper echelons. might they have cause to revise those campaigns if realising that the bicycle manufacturers have already made our choices for us?

whoever said that the customer was king?

friday 26 june 2026

the new lingua franca

since i have effectively desisted from offering a bicycle repair service to the good folks of islay, conversations in the sunday peloton are considerably less likely to centre around cycle mechanics. rarely do we find ourselves discussing in which particular gear we find it suitable to ascend the col du rspb, whether our respective bicycles featured tapered head tubes and from which purveyor any of us are inclined to purchase replacement bearings.

ok, that last one might be a bit of a fib, but it was only once.

i would hate for you to garner the impression that any such conversations were entirely the responsibility of yours truly; though i may have been partially to blame, others were inclined to join in, should their own velocipedes display a tendency to creak, groan, or loudly click. that being the case, it was often customary for discussion over the possible cause of each particular onomatopoetic sound. however, in the time-honoured trend of amateur bicycle sleuthing, rarely did we arrive at any specific solution. it's just one of the aspects of contemporary cycling that make it all worthwhile.

that may all be about to change; not specifically in the velo club sunday peloton, but as an averaged change within the velocipedinal realm. the evidence is there for all to see, if you're happy to read between the lines.

as i have mentiond in a previous monologue, the trade websites have very quickly transitioned to featuring a majority of e-bike related features, either announcing yet another e-bike, which looks no different from all the others, or about so-called improvements in the franchise. unlike motor cars, the concept of a bicycle (even an e-bike) is one of relative simplicity. while e-bikes may have modified the frame design just a smidgeon, we're still living with a frame, two wheels, saddle, handlebars and drivetrain. in the case of acoustic bicycles, power is provided by the rider; e-bikes use a combination of battery and motor. so, apart from motive power, there is little to choose between them, and, you would think, little room for variation.

that, of course, obviates the effect of various marketing departments and economic expectations, one of which is dependent on the other. how else is it possible to entreat potential and actual customers into their initial purchase, followed by regular upgrades? marketing can sell the product, but manufacturing has to respond by offering desirable trinketry that will create desire amongst those who have succumbed to the marketing. but it seems that, as a necessitous by-product of this process, the paradigm is in a constant state of flux, not only adding to the velocipedinal lexicon, but, as outlined in my opening gambit, perhaps re-igniting conversations about the mechanical aspects of the (predominantly) e-bike (commuter) peloton.

i tend to think this set of circumstances is probably inadvertent, curated by marketing departments keen to distinguish the efforts of their neighbouring manufacturing facility. if you doubt the veracity of my accusations, take a look at the quoted passage below:

"a six-axis gyroscope measures gradient in real time. before the rider even notices the increased load, the motor proactively boosts assistance and the hub downshifts. The rider simply maintains a relaxed cadence to climb efficiently and protect the knees - no manual shifting is needed. When coasting downhill the system upshifts automatically according to speed, eliminating any 'ghost pedalling' sensation and making re-acceleration smoother."

my father, in his younger days, on receiving his first company car with electric windows, was in the habit, when coming across colleagues or friends at the traffic lights, of gesticulating while mouthing incoherent words. the unfortunates in vehicles with manual wind windows, would spare no effort in quickly winding down the driver's window, at which point, my father would feign sorrow by asking "does your car not have electric windows?"

you can, therefore, perhaps envision the potential conversations to be overheard in commuting pelotons all across the country (conversations i fear will eventually transfer their allegiance to the sunday peloton in rather short order.) will we be querying each other, in the spirit of one-upmanship, just how smoothly are the automatic upshifts, and whether one's gyroscope is confined to a mere six axes? only a decade past, the above quote would have guaranteed confinement in a padded room, wearing a white jacket that fastens up the back.

zwift has already robbed its adherents of the joys of 'real' cycling, but it seems that might soon be the least of our (my) concerns, as e-bike technology seeks also to undermine those joys. "on flat terrain the system adopts an eco mode; as soon as it detects a climb or headwind, it actively supplies more power. every watt is used meaningfully, without compromising a relaxed riding style."

it occurs that the world of the e-bike is seeking solely to transform cycling into mere transportation. while road bike technology highlights the inherent resilience of a well-tuned carbon/aluminium/titanium/steel frame, the monolithic approach to e-bike frame design has dispensed with the idea altogether. yet, incongruous though it may appear, adjusting one's cadence, gear ratio and power output while coping with ever-changing road and weather conditions, is an inseparable part of real cycling. though purgatorial at the time, yet positively heroic by coffee time, dealing with adversity is one of the reasons so many of us are addicted to cycling in the first place.

is it possible that the cycle industry is mistakenly working against our wishes, all the while labouring under the misapprehension that it is doing the exact opposite?

thursday 25 june 2026

questionable

it may be possible to glean, from recent posts in these black and yellow pixels, that i have managed to acquire, at outrageous expense, two, limited edition slingerland radio king snare drums. both arrived with bespoke, embroidered hard-cases to keep them safe, and individually numbered inside the shells and by way of signed certificates that i have placed in the drawer of my bedside cabinet, in the possibly forlorn hope that, in the decades to come, i will remember having done so. both are wrapped in white marine pearl, feature a single ply, stem-bent shell and arrived with both plastic and calfskin drumheads.

the limited edition tag, though sufficiently persuasive to divest me of my hard-earned cash, was definitely the deciding factor in both purchases, but perhaps not for the reason you might assume. the existence of limited edition items can be designed to enhance their value as an investment; islay's single malt distilleries do so all the time, based predominantly on the premise that their alleged rarity will set them up nicely to become an attractive return on investment in future years. however, though i am surrounded by distilleries, i have not thoroughly investigated the validity of the claims not directly made, but implied, by the individual numbers stamped upon their carefully crafted labels. for instance, what would the majority of whisky aficionados regard as a guarantee of purported rarity?

personally, i'm inclined to lean towards numbers that sport fewer than four digits. my snare drums were respectively restrained to 50 and 200 in number. and following international record shop day this year, i purchased a vinyl copy of drummer, bill bruford's first solo album, originally released in 1976. according to the blurb on the international record shop day website, no more than 2,000 copies were pressed.

but, as i began to say above, in all three cases, while the limited edition tag was persuasive, from my point of view, it only worked because i greatly desired the drums and record, keen to purchase each before they were no more. all three are items i intend to keep and play for the rest of my natural life; they were never acquired as a means of future profit, and i'm confidently sure that anyone who happens to hear or see me playing either drum, or bill's vinyl, will do so, blissfully unaware of the purchase prices, or that the occasion might be the only time they'll have the opportunity to appreciate debatable rarity.

if you doubt my resolve, i might also point out that slingerland were able to remove even more money from my bank account in the shape of a non-limited-edition radio king snare drum. it is every bit as impressive as its siblings, but arrived without a calfskin drumhead or embroidered case, and for several hundred pounds less than the limited versions. should you wish to test the veracity of my statement, feel free to phone paul at drummers only and order one of your very own.

but what about purported limited editions that have little chance of surviving until such time as their rarity might bring a tidy sum into the piggy bank. car companies have sold so-called limited edition vehicles for decades, without ever finding the need to quantify just how limited, or otherwise, they might be. and unlike the festival edition of an islay single malt, one of only 150 bottled and carefully stored in a glass-fronted presentation case in the lounge, there's every likelihood that a limited edition motor car will have its wing mirror mangled due to a close encounter on an islay singletrack road, returning from the very distillery that sold the festival bottle mentioned above. or, perhaps more likely, it might suffer a few dings or knocks in the averagemarket car park.

or maybe, closer to home, your cash money might be spent on a tour de france 2026 limited edition continental aero 111, or its companion in crime, a tour de france, limited edition continental grand prix 5000 s tr. respectively 29mm and 30mm wide rubber, if your roads are anything like my roads, it will be only a matter of months before both are in the tuesday wheelie bin, worn through to the canvas. both tyres feature black treads bordered by transparent (what we'd refer to as amber) sidewalls. sold only as a pair, the set will cost you an eyewatering £200, though there is no mention of how many, or how few sets will be available worldwide.

you should know, however, that continental sponsored teams, including that of tadej pogacar, may be riding said tyres during this year's three weeks in july, knowledge of which would tend to suggest that manufactured numbers of this reputedly limited edition, are not as limited as you'd hope.

that said, you could buy several sets for the price of only one slingerland radio king.

wednesday 24 june 2026