..........................................................................................................................................................................................................
don't go over the lines
at the time i ordered my first carbon colnago, there were no other competitors for either my money or my passion, and on a personal timeline, the impending occupation of the appropriate space in thewashingmachinepost bike shed by some exotic italian carbon fibre was a most memorable occasion.
allowing for the year on year increase of colnago's prices (and those of every other italian framebuilder), it was a substantial outlay of funds, given that such carbon demanded an appropriate level of componentry to keep it in the manner to which it would like to become accustomed. if we upscale just a few thousand pounds, were i to be purchasing my first italian sports car, i think it likely that i'd have one or two specific colours in mind, both externally and internally that would complement my financial outlay. for surely there can be little satisfaction in owning the bicycle/car of your dreams but having to compromise on its looks?
the level of bicycle and accessories to which you are personally associated, more than likely says much about how you see yourself in the grand panoply that is modern sporting cyclery. most of us would be less than likely to appear at the sunday morning ride outside debbie's at the appointed hour on a red raleigh chopper. at the time of my colnago order, the european landbouwkrediet team were astride some rather fetching models supplied by cambiago that originated as fire engine red at the head tube, all the while fading to plain, but clearcoated carbon at the rear b-stay. it was an odd choice of livery for a team whose colours leaned considerably towards the green end of the spectrum. it is, after all, the belgian equivalent of credit agricole. however, i figured it looked rather smooth.
as many of you will be aware, stylish though those italians are, their delivery schedules make the british rail system appear overly efficient. sure, i could have a colnago frame all but identical to those ridden by the landbouwkrediet chaps, but i'd have been looking at a six month delay in proceedings.
well, six months-ish. two colnago c40 hp frames in my size were, at that very minute, residing unfettered in the stockroom, one a rather maudlin sounding black and the other in a more contemporary mix of metallic blue interfacing with a somewhat darker shade of the same colour. this all headed tailwards before fading into that clearcoated carbon weave half way down the rear stays.
as you might have elicited from my description, this was the option for which i plumped in the end, despite it not being that which i felt justified my hard-earned moolah. necessity, at that point, had just become the mother of invention, if that is not too obscure a metaphor. bearing in mind, at that time, colnagos were all made in italy, i figured it ought not to have been too hard for ernesto to step into a cambiago cupboard, pull out a plain carbon frame and have it sprayed to my exacting requirements, before popping it in a jiffy bag and sending it in my direction. that, i believe, is the act of customer service providing customer satisfaction.
curiously aware of this very determination demanded by the more aware cycle customer, italian specialists grupetto italia are not only now offering this very service, but in a strange quirk of modern economics, they are doing so completely free of charge. rest assured that the offer does not entitle one of their exclusively italian spray painters to run riot with airbrush and unrestricted palette, but within the template guidelines attached to each model (two of carbon and one of steel) the choice of colour is entirely yours. this means, for the earnest italophile, it is possible to have a custom painted mottarone, mergozzo or maggiore on which to impress the pelotonese come sunday morning.
but, and in this case, were i to be guilty of using capital letters, the word would indeed be in possession of one, it is possible to take this extravagance one stage further. having scrounged through your box of crayons in search of the ultimate colour scheme, add a modest £90 to the price and decal heaven could be yours. as nick o'brien of grupetto italia said "Custom decals means we can replace the word' grupetto' on the seat tube with the customer's own wording. We recently did a set of four bikes with a club/sportive group's name on and have been asked to add nicknames, family names and a triathlon team."
nick says that lead time on all models is roughly four to five weeks. "it takes no longer once text is agreed, and it's still the same turn-round in the workshops in Italy." a somewhat shorter period of time than that quoted by colnago. starting at around £985 for frame only, the machines are all produced in piedmont north of milan, with each model taking its name from cycling landmarks in an area, that counts itself in the eyes of the tifosi as one of italy's cycling heartlands. currently grupetto sell more carbon; the mergozzo sells at rather an attractive pricepoint for what's on offer, but interest is growing for the columbus steel frames. this has led to the imminent introduction of another steel model with the same custom paint option for around £650.
however, when choosing that custom paint job for whichever model takes your fancy, be very careful to stay inside the lines.
monday 4th june 2012
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................born to ride by stephen roche. yellow jersey press. hardback. 272pp illus. £18.99
the daughter of one of my work colleagues plays accordion and an instrument for which the apellation, tin whistle seems barely adequate, in a local trio of young ladies given to airing music of a scottish traditional theme. locally, there are many small collections of musicians playing with little hint of a collective name, for such rarely seems necessary, though on occasion i have been asked by visitors as to the name of the popular beat combo in which i occasionally percuss. however, this female traditional trio are now entering the realm of playing further afield and the need for an appropriate name has reared its ugly head. those who are keen to attract their collective musical musings have a requirement to advertise impending gigs. for this purpose, you can see that a band name is pretty much regarded as a necessity.
this led to many minutes of undeniable hilarity as several of us chipped in a number of completely inappropriate suggestions, ranging from the downright offensive to the sniggeringly hilarious. fortunately she is made of sterner stuff, having laughed at the humour, blushed at the inappropriate, but continued the search for something short and snappy that would encapsulate that with which they would wish to be identified.
i have, during my many years of approximating a drummer, played in many a band where the applied name hasn't always been particularly appropriate or, in one or two cases, even particularly noteworthy. at least two settled on a name which seemed like a good idea at the time, but the efficacy of which waned severely over time. there was a particular group of musicians i can recall when at art college who dubbed themselves, quite cleverly, rue de remarx, but undermined such cleverness by adding the slogan 'la rage' to the foot of their gig posters. for unfortunately, the latter is french for rabies.
the same process must often intervene when deciding on the title for a forthcoming bestseller or, in this case, eagerly awaited autobiography. i am more than willing for a member of the publishing or editorial team to correct me now that i have wasted three paragraphs introducing my subsequent review, but on first hearing of this volume several months ago, it was billed as angel and demon, a title that may have simply been the code name for a work in progress. i still have my original e-mails requesting that thewashingmachinepost might be added to the list of recipients, and at that time i most definitely was under the impression that angel and demon was the title of the book i was keen to read and review. if memory serves, that was also the title under which amazon were advertising it for pre-order.
now that the book has arrived online and on physical bookshelves, it has been now clearly labelled 'born to ride', something of a let down and a bit of a naff title if i might vent my opinon publicly. angel and demon is, i'm sure you'll agree, a far more intriguing entreaty to read than the title under which the book has now been published. of course, throughout our childhood education and continuing into adult years, we have oft been reminded that a book should not be judged by its cover, a mantra that falls mostly on deaf ears, for the cover is, by definition, the publisher's only chance to make a lasting first impression. get it wrong, and a fabulously worthy title may remain steadfastly anchored to a waterstone's or barnes and noble bookshelf. in this particular case, the author's surname is writ large, all but rendering the title a tad redundant in any case.
biographies and autobiographies suffer from the same intrinsic problem; most of the intended readership already know that the butler did it. the destination is often already well kent; the motivation for purchase is more about the journey. approached in logical fashion, an autobiography would start with the born at an early age approach, and end with the lived happily/destitute ever after (delete as applicable). roche has very successfully undermined such predictability by beginning with the end, or at least the end of the sequence of victories for which he is famous.
"For the whole year, my objective for the Worlds had been to do what I could to help Sean (Kelly) take the rainbow jersey. The so-called Triple Crown (Giro, Tour de France and World Championship) hadn't entered my thoughts."
i am, of course, somewhat cynical of such a statement. though the majority of us are not ever likely to ride any of the events that make up the triple crown, if we were already in possession of both pink and yellow jerseys in the same year (in this case, 1987), i'm pretty sure that even the remote possibility of nabbing the stripey jersey would not be of last minute consideration.
"however, when i rode the circuit myself, i re-evaluated. (i) rode a lap and said to myself: 'this circuit ain't for no sprinter'."
the records show that stephen roche did indeed earn the right to wear the 1987 stripey jersey, and the following chapters go on to describe, this time in chronological order, how top step podium finishes in both the '87 giro d'italia and tour de france added up to only the second time anyone had won all three in one season.
roche's writing style is remarkably inclusive (aided and abetted by peter cossins) to the extent of arriving free from conceit or arrogance. only towards the book's end is he apt to blow his own trumpet (so to speak) at points where it seems unnecessary. most of us are aware of his internal battle with self-styled team captain at carrera, robert visentini, quickly usurping the italian as wearer of the pink jersey. most of those three weeks in may combined to make roche's attempt to stand atop the final podium in milan not only a battle with his fellow competitors, but additionally against visentini's faction within his own team. the inestimable services of eddy schepers assisted his successful pink bid, coupled with celtic assistance from panasonic's robert millar who went on to take both second place and the climber's green jersey.
the tour de france, those three weeks in july, are likely most vividly remembered for phil liggett's astonished commentary as roche appeared through the mist atop la plagne to cede only a few seconds to arch rival pedro delgado.
...and just who is that rider coming up behind? Because that looks like Roche. That looks like Stephen Roche. It's Stephen Roche who's come over the line, he almost caught Pedro Delgado - i don't believe it." it's one of those moments allied to armstrong walking on the moon, or elvis presley's death; you can always remember where you were when you watched that stage.
even though the results of all three races are the subject of popular cycling history - those of a certain age will easily recall when roche's name is mentioned - the narrative grabs you by the helmet straps. i was desperate to find out if the winner might have changed over the intervening years. i've no real notion of just how hard it might be to engage your readership to this extent, but i'm pretty darned sure peter cossins does, and both we and roche have many thanks to despatch in his direction for making the book so cleverly compulsive. this is not to diminish stephen roche's own contributions, after all, he's the guy that successfully won all three events and here demonstrates an impressive level of recall from over twenty years ago.
where the book flags just a smidgeon is in the latter chapters, the years succeeding roche's retirement from the sport. placed in context, stephen roche was, by this time, a civilian like the rest of us, and few could claim to have lives worthy of biographical publication. it is also a weird situation where the population at large find it hard to come to terms with top sportspeople being no longer active in the field that first brought them to our attention. almost, in fact, as hard as they themselves find it. though it will soon be thirty years since robert millar won the polka dot jersey in the '84 tour de france, and despite the scot having retired in 1995, he is still imagined by many to ride out each day on a peugeot bicycle wearing a black and white chequerboard jersey.
it is, therefore, an unfair criticism to level at born to ride expecting relative normality to retain the same level of intrigue and excitement as roche's years at the top. after all, the salient purpose behind any biography or autobiography is to inform the reader of life's long song, warts and all. if we can accept the foregoing as a defining interpretation of the genre, then this is a particularly excellent example, one that i think would entrance even those less than interested in the machinations of professional cycle racing.
and the butler did it.
sunday 3rd june 2012
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................dr. d (feat. rohan dubash)
there are two principal methods of owning your very own bicycle, one of which has become more common over the last few years, with carbon monocoques emanating from taiwan. before the uk instigated value added tax, most commodities attracted a certain level of purchase tax, though there were certain exemptions, one of which was the bicycle frame. therefore club cyclists would buy a frame plus components making the annual bike choice cheaper than could conceivably have been the case. purchase a ready-made bicycle however, and purchase tax was payable on the whole shebang.
nowadays we have the dreaded vat levied at 20% on pretty much anything, meaning it is no cheaper to revert to the age old tradition of frame and components as opposed to the ready to ride. taiwan, though responsible for offering a wide variety of individual carbon or aluminium frames, is more likely to bring together all the bits and bobs, delivering a complete machine inside a cardboard box. the upside to the latter is benefiting from the economies of scale acquired by the manufacturer; slotting the seatpost in place and bolting the handlebars means the bicycle is ready to ride in minutes, though the slowest part of the process is often removing all that infernal bubble-wrap.
the downside is having to accept the trinketry that the manufacturer has decided is ideal for that particular price point. perhaps shimano ultegra is what you'd have chosen in any case, but perhaps not the chainset they've married it to, nor those particular bars and stem, and it won't be too long before you know you're going to have to upgrade the wheels. it is at this point, perhaps after a few years gaining riding experience, that it seems more pertinent and pragmatic to seek your own personal build. if you thought you had problems before, they may be about to multiply by a factor of ten.
how do you fit ergo/sti/double-tap levers and cables? what tools are necessary to ensure several expensive components aren't trashed in the process? how the flipping heck do you wrap bar tape properly, and why don't those pliers snip cables to length with a neat edge? possibly because you have no prior experience of assembling bicycles and thus are bereft of the appropriate tools to successfully carry out the job.
if you've bought everything via your local bike shop, they are more than likely to be happy to carry out the work for you, but if we're looking at any kind of exotica, wouldn't it be a more satisfactory option to have a true professional build your ultimate bicycle with the precision you'd expect, then perchance, drop it off at your house? of course it would, and though i couldn't be engaged to do this for you, i know a man who can.
rohan dubash, mechanic extraordinaire, member of the colnago cognoscenti and frequent contributor to rouleur magazine, departed sigma sport in london to fly alone as a freelance bicycle impresario. what prompted this solo career? "For most of my working life (30yrs+ and counting) I have been involved in enthusiastic cycle retail which is somewhat different from the type of retail generally experienced on the high street. Sigma Sport is a fantastic shop but ultimately too big for someone who has enjoyed an unprecedented level of autonomy when serving his clients. I am used to meeting a client at the door, discussing their needs, processing any relevant fitting requirements, consulting over bike specification, ordering the components, building the bike, handing it over and finally taking the money. I like to do things my way. That is not to say it is the only way but I am at my happiest when working to my own methods. Hence Doctor D servicing...my way"
the connection with rouleur encompasses, however, a bit more than just writing, having combined with magazine editor guy andrews on a service de course workshop at look mum no hands, providing the great unwashed with an insight into just how to race prepare the average or not so average road bike. how was the combination with guy arrived at?
"I got to know Guy through my work at Cycles Dauphin back in the late nineties. He had been helping the owner out on a part-time basis in the workshop, but the call of journalism and publishing was just too strong so I filled his shoes. I think he understood my passion and meticulous approach to bicycle maintenance better than most, plus we get on really well. He brought Issue one of Rouleur to show me and asked my opinion. He also suggested that I pen something for issue two. I did and I guess the rest, as they say, is history."
though there are a substantial number of folks living in london, providing a concomitant number of avid cyclists, it is perhaps something of a tautological statement to point out that quite a lot of us are not domiciled in the national capital. therefore, it would be somewhat of a stretch to have nipped into 49 old street as witnesses to the andrews/dubash pairing. bearing this in mind, are there likely to be any such evenings around the country (i'm angling at north of the border here)?
"I am always keen to share my 'knowledge' with others and given that generally I learn something new every day, reckon I will be able to keep on sharing for the foreseeable future. I look forward to more Rouleur-Doctor D collaborations in future but right now given that Rouleur is up to eight issues a year and my workshop is rarely, if ever empty, shortage of spare time on both sides is the only real obstacle to overcome."
did the sharing of knowledge in shared fashion predate the writings in rouleur? "I started out working on my late brother's bikes and quickly realised that I seemed to have a natural aptitude for bicycle mechanics. Most of the time, solutions to problems just seemed blatantly obvious and in many cases back then it seemed that manufacturers just assumed that individuals working on bikes knew things that people who just rode them didn't. Manuals and instructions if present at all, were not exactly informative. I think my favourite example of this was the full race mechanic's tool kit from Campagnolo. It had no instructions of any kind, yet each tool seemed able to 'communicate' its purpose! The idea of bicycle mechanics "road shows" came after my initial Rouleur activity."
now that the workshop is, by his own admission, rarely ever empty of waiting cycle machinery, intimating an eager list of patiently waiting customers, it is rarely a sign of good form or impeccable customer relations to forestall those who ultimately keep the wolf from the door. however, rohan is no mean scribe in his own write, providing for our entertainment and as a welcome adjunct to the bank balance. with this in mind, will there be more writing from doctor d as well as fixing?
"I am always happy writing articles (particularly for Rouleur where there is no agenda, only topic and word count restrictions) despite the fact that I hate reading my own work. It is, I feel, akin to hearing one's own voice recorded. That said, some people seem to like it; my writing that is, not my voice recorded!"
returning, however, to the joyful subject of bicycles, my own first introduction to the written works of rohan dubash was in connection to a common delight in the output from cambiago. i would be hard-pressed to elicit from whence my own colnago obsession emanates; it was, m'lud, simply something that sneaked up behind me when i wasn't looking. from where does rohan's colnago affection come?
"I spotted my first Colnago in Tony Butterworth's lightweight shop in Catchbar Lane in Sheffield. I was smitten. Love at first sight as they say. Only a few months after buying my first in 1982, a Nuovo Mexico Profil in cream and chrome, I travelled to Goodwood for the Professional World Road Race Champs where Beppe (Giuseppe Saronni) thundered up the last climb to take the win on a bike, save the colour, exactly like mine!"
it's possible that obsession with one of the great marques of cycling history is wont to cultivate an intrigue with the minutiae of bicycle mechanics. it well-behoves the owner of italian exotica to know at what level any installed componentry ought to reach, something that can also provide an insight into the appropriate method of affixation. in the case of doctor d, this insight has blossomed to an impressive level of ability and obsessive compulsive disorder. the very chap you want to lovingly care for your impending velocipedinal requirements. so, assuming that those wheels of imminent joy and happiness are coming together nicely under the heading of the to do list, and if we can suppose that finishing of the jigsaw is beyond your immediate capabilities, just how does one contact doctor d, and is a waiting list likely to be encountered?
"I have done no advertising since I started out on my own nearly a year ago, yet somehow people seem to find me. I have a website at www.doctord.co.uk which introduces me to the uninitiated, but my Doctor D Facebook page is also very popular, as it catalogues my daily activities allowing clients to watch their bike being worked on at different stages, from arrival (hall of shame photos) and as it progresses through the servicing process. Doctor D is one man: me. This does limit what I can achieve, but I aim to satisfy all my clients. Everyone's needs are assed on an individual basis and if at all possible assistance is given. Someone who only owns one bike and has a problem can, in most cases, leap-frog someone who has half a dozen machines at their disposal. Not so much 'means testing' but servicing with empathy. Some jobs, including full strip-down "hors category" services, have arrived at 11pm in the evening and been returned, or collected, less than 24hrs later. It all just depends really."
few, if any local bike shops are likely to emulate a medical surgery and provide home-visits. if you want it fixed, it needs to be brought to the shop. this is perhaps not as mercenary as it sounds, for second guessing the tools likely to be required for any servicing operation is something that never gets any more accurate. only today, i carried an inner-tube from washingmachinepost cottage to the square in bowmore city centre to discover that my potential customer had meant to say tyre rather than tube. multiply this by several miles and it would be a moot point as to which of us would have been the more annoyed. do potential and actual clients require to visit doctor d, or is he willing to be peripatetic?
"99% of my customers come to me. I can and do collect work, but operate at my best in a familiar working environment. Call-outs to work on-site are possible, but generally I restrict this. I do, however, provide freelance mechanical cover for selected specialist shops, generally in the London area, and have helped out in several over the last year including Geoffrey Butler's, Cyclefit, Mosquito and the new performance centre and cafe Cadence at Crystal Palace."
the road bicycle market seems, of late, to be in a constant state of flux, with electronica adding itself to the library of required knowledge along with impending hydraulic discs, possible subsequent increase in the rear dropout spacing, a myriad of compatibility issues and new 'inventions' being added to the panoply at every turn. this situation is unlikely to resolve itself in the foreseeable future, meaning those offering cycle and consultancy services such as that of doctor d, have a constant uphill battle to remain current, let alone plan for the future. has rohan allied his working life to a long-term plan, or is he pretty much at the mercy of the market?
"I have no long term plan; I just take it one day at a time. If can do what I love for people who are equally as passionate about their bikes and cycling as I am and still pay the bills, I guess I will be happy."
anyone wishing to practice medicine in the western and supposedly civilised world, requires to subject themselves to several years of intensive training and education. do otherwise and the law takes a very dim view. given the complexity of the modern road bike and the need to diagnose any illness that might befall them, rare is the person who falls out of bed one morning and decides that this might be the very vocation for them. it is no secret, however, that study towards and subsequent award of a phd also confers the title of doctor upon the successful. is rohan a real doctor?
"It depends what you mean by Doctor. If you mean am I someone who is committed to helping heal sick bicycles and treating all that cross my path equally, irrespective of creed (yes even Trek bikes equipped with SRAM!), then I perhaps have much in common with a "real doctor". to wit..."
Hippocratic Oath
I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant: Check
I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians (read, mechanics) in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow. Check
I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures [that] are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and "Therapeutic nihilism". If I understood this I could try to confirm it!
I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug. Check
I will not be ashamed to say "I know not", nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery. Check (You should always be prepared to ask someone if you don't know the answer. Bullshit belongs in fields!)
I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given to me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God. Check (most of the time!)
I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick. Hmmm.
I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure. Check (Bicycle equivalent)
I will remember that I remain a member of society with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm. Steady onŠ
If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, be respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help. One would like to hope so...
saturday 2nd june 2012
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................it's not always about the bike
i am all too aware of the contentiousness of that heading when appearing on a weblog that specifically states at the top of the page 'perhaps somewhat obviously, thewashingmachinepost is a cycling website'. why then would i even infer that the bike might not be always front and centre? could this be a case for trading standards or even a dereliction of my memorandum and articles (assuming i had any in the first place)? my excuse, or more rationally, my reasoning behind such a controversial statement is that i am ultimately not the one responsible for forcing such an arguable concept upon an unsuspecting bystander in the first place.
the keyword is that of anticipation.
like many a member of the pelotonese, i maintained a corner of my imac screen throughout the recently concluded giro d'italia for the excellent web pictures being freely distributed by la gazzetta, undermining to a certain degree, the amount of restrictive control exerted by aso when it comes to the tour de france. that, however, is another argument for another day and another time. despite being glued to every laborious kilometre when rabottini succeeded in his breakaway gesture to take a well-deserved stage win, there were acres and acres of joy to be had viewing the pink balloons, bunting, t-shirts and caps along the roadside through every participating village and town along the way. these items did not miraculously appear in the few minutes before a chased breakaway thundered through the italian streets; these were the results of a pre-meditated and concerted effort by italian cycle fans to welcome their national race through their towns and out the other side.
the anticipation undoubtedly made itself an exciting bedfellow in the days and hours before a multi-coloured peloton graced the stage that was once the main thoroughfare in which the tifosi spend the rest of their year. the pavements along which they walk and roads across which they drive, all reverting to some semblance of normality from the very next day. but for those hours of approach, despite no visible bicycles for ages, the excitement would have been veritably palpable. if it were truly all about the bike, this would surely be a contradiction in terms?
it is a state of affairs that imbues and inhabits every stage race and one day classic across the racing season year in and year out. take any race you like, and assuming its route to be the same or substantially similar as in previous years, there will be a long list of locales and specific locations from which point the moving entourage can be viewed in its best light. whether this is a particular stretch of cobbles from the belgian classics, the short, yet steep gradients that form a part of the ardennes classics or the sweeping coastal vistas of milan sanremo, there are those who know just where to plant themselves to see the few minutes of exciting action that, added together, make a classic a classic.
in the months ahead we will be entertained by both the tour de france and subsequently la vuelta where the finishing straight will contain a population you'd be hard pushed to find at any saturday football match and several layers of fandom occupying the summits of mountains that are hard enough to walk up, let alone race on a bike. but in getting to these points, catering for a day (or days) in situ, it is never about the bike until some of them ride by at speeds we'd be happy to achieve downhill. that level of anticipated expectation is as much a part of the experience as seeing team leaders and selfless domestiques practising that which we idolise them for in the first place.
the difficulty here is that, despite the true cycling fan being au fait with this situation, possibly to the extent of it being an expected and thus drudgery free part of the sophistication of which i speak, trying to encapsulate and translate that into malleable form is likely a similar experience to grasping quicksilver. this is why we place our lives in the hands of those with the perspicacity, skill and well-rounded technique more than capable of translating this non-bikeness into a series of images or moving pictures with which we can identify. that such can be placed at the service of commercial interests is both a blessing and an achievement, one that suffers not from pretentiousness nor parody when placed in the hands of artists such as chris milliman.
the video viewable at the foot of this page amply demonstrates a captured vision that all but defies categorisation, and though the end result is to interest the cognoscenti in the recently released bell gage helmet, the anticipation generated by the opening sequences could almost be boxed and sold over the counter. though milliman's narrative is all about the bike, sometimes, to get that point across successfully, it is manifestly not all about the bike.
conundrums are the cogwheels of existentialism.
friday 1st june 2012
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................fete accompli
back of the envelope advert design is still alive and well, living in the southern hebrides. there is, however, a certain irony in the way one or two examples of the genre are presented. for folks who are plainly divorced from any contemporary concept of design, it's worth a snigger or two to view biro scrawls featuring arrows dictating which lines of misspelt text are to be rendered in bold or italic. after a modest twenty-odd years of deciphering the aforesaid submissions, there is a strong possibility that i have grasped some degree of appropriate design, were it not already a personal accomplishment, and thus better equipped to form the ideal advertisement in print without what i perceive to be unnecessary hinting.
yet despite my best efforts at graphic translation, there is little or no guarantee that my formation of such wording will be deemed satisfactory in the eyes of the submitter. that, it appears, is what monday mornings are for. despite the office never having opened before 10am in its entire thirty-something life, the telephone is often to be heard ringing incessantly from shortly after, or even before, 9am. on answering, when the magic hour has rolled past, an irate advertiser can often be found on the other end moaning that the portion they categorically defined as arial bold appears to have been printed in helvetica semi-bold.
no mention is made of the several spelling errors that were surreptitiously corrected on their behalf in order that the advertisement refrained from rather obviously pointing out the illiteracy of the advertiser. it ill behoves me to mention in the passing that this has included previous advertisements for the islay book festival, the progenitors of which you would surely expect to be sufficiently well-read to avoid spelling or grammatical errors. it seems one should never take life for granted.
comically, and pointedly corrected by ourselves to avoid embarrassment, we recently received one of those back of the envelope public pronouncements that bore witness to a forthcoming church bizarre. though i am not of a protestant or episcopal religious bent, and thus not well informed in the ways of organised religion, i would stop well short of applying the adjective bizarre to any subsequent peripheral activities. it seems, however, that may well be the preserve of those beloved of church pews and hymnbooks.
i have no real geograpical knowledge of whether there are delineations separating the descriptions of such happenings as a bazaar (correctly spelt) or fete. it may be that in the dim, distant past, the latter was a more accustomed apellation south of the border and the former of a more scottish heritage, but i'd be wary of stating anything of the sort in pixel form, so i'd prefer it if you refrained from passing this on as gospel.
very definitely inheriting the fete description and taking place this forthcoming diamond jubilee bank holiday monday is the very first ever in the entire history of the world vulpine cycling fete at balham bowls club, but a mere stone's throw from clapham common. to quote kate la versha of vulpine.cc the event will "bring together the very best of cycling design and creativity with cake, coffee and hog roast". though clapham common is somewhat distant as the crow flies from washingmachinepost cottage, thus preventing my personal attendance, i'd be inclined to pass on the roast while overdosing on the cake and coffee.
a cycling fete may not be the most original idea to escape from the vulpine institute of technology, but it is undeniably a particularly splendid one, augmented by a charity auction, the proceeds of which will head in the direction of wheels for wellbeing and rollapaluza outreach. auctionable items have been donated by the creme de la creme of uk cycling brands and artists, including (i kid you not) a custom, handmade stem by ricky feather, one of the foremost framebuilders this side of easter island. the auction is currently online and will be until june 5th, the day following the vulpine fete.
additionally, the inestimable richard mitchelson has designed an exclusive jubilee tea-towel, eminently suitable for drying and subsequently placing an appropriate level of sheen on the espresso and cappuccino cups and saucers. these are available in a limited, hand screen-printed edition of fifty and can only be obtained on the day of the fete and to those making their way to balham bowls club.
nick hussey, the man behind the perfectly formed vulpine performance cycle clothing empire said "the event will mark and revel in the remarkable renaissance of cycling on thes shores and the new attitude emerging: innovative, design-driven, inclusive and fun. the cycling fete will be an opportunity to see and enjoy the latest bikes, clothes, gadgets and gear in an easy and friendly atmosphere." more importantly and obviously headlining if this were a poster, revealed in arial bold, the coffee on offer hails from the stalwarts of 49 old street, look mum no hands. it's moments such as this that confirm we made the correct transportational choice.
entry is free, the weather will be stupendous and all is open on monday 4th june from noon until 6pm. eat, play, drink, shop and ride.
that's not too bizarre is it?
thursday 31st may 2012
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................calling card
i have viewed, with a certain degree of humour, a television advertisement that plays on a perceived level of guilt by those involved in running their own business. this has nothing whatsoever to do with finance, tax or legal affairs, but is related to not having an appropriate style and quality of business card. in modern times of facebook, twitter, websites and numerous other methods of digital and electronic communication, i confess i was surprised that there should still be such an emphasis on a piece of card that, when handed over, often ends up in a drawer somewhere, no doubt keeping company at least one or two undeveloped film canisters.
many years ago i owned one of the original palm pilots which aimed to make the humble business card redundant by means of infra-red transfer. this allowed the owner of the device to set up the appropriate details electronically and on meeting a similarly equipped colleague or potential client or supplier, 'twould be a simple matter of concurrently transferring both sets of data to each respective palm pilot. the feature was initially all the rage at tech conferences and exhibitions, but wi-fi, bluetooth and 3g technology likely made the system redundant. interestingly, utilisation of any of the previous mentioned file transfer sciences seems not to have been adopted as a suitable replacement.
so we are back to the humble piece of printed cardboard as a means of transferable business details. this is no bad thing in itself, particularly if, like me, you manage to install a new set of batteries in your palm pilot the wrong way round and subsequently lose all that hard-won infra-red information. and yet i still have the drawer-full of mostly similar business cards.
when at art college, we were set this very problem as a graphic design exercise; to design a memorable business card. this ought to have been some form of compromise between originality and memorability, but being art students, compromise was rarely a word given much consideration. though most of us followed the conventional approach, i recall one of my classmates designed a card which folded and assembled into a cube which would sit on the recipient's desk. this did make it somewhat unwieldy to carry about in the appropriate slot in a wallet, but most of us agreed that there was little chance of the card being easily forgotten. this latter aspect was considered to be the pinnacle of business card design.
the advertisement, to a certain extent, ignored this criteria, mostly by need for a level of ubiquity in the printing process. though the technology exists to allow a free hand in the design of mostly every manner of digital printing, the purpose of the advertisement was to assist those who could not design their way out of a paper bag even if their lives depended on it. it is thus necessary to display a range of card designs on which colours may be exchanged and rather obviously, the relevant contact details. somewhat predictably perhaps, this could conceivably result in more than one business within a certain genre presenting identical cards on meeting at a business convention or exhibition.
this is possibly of little concern, as on examining the website advertised on tv, a total of eighteen designs were available to the bicycle business owner and it was more than possible to make detail changes to both layout and/or colour, leading, one presumes, to a less than guaranteed probability that both would end up attending the same party wearing the same dress. however, the designs on offer were considerably less than inspiring in my opinion, yet again obviating that overwhelming need for something memorable to occupy that drawer. before i've had even a moment to come up with a trademarkable idea that would place me at the forefront of business card design and thus earning me a fortune in the process, i find i have been (albeit perhaps inadvertantly) usurped.
with a summer of fun and frolics in the cycling melee heading in our direction, firstly this weekend with an extra two days pedalling courtesy of her majesty, then by way of the perennial three weeks in july before it's time to make good use of the stupid amounts of money spent by our capital city and its resident government on hosting the 2012 olympics. i am somewhat in awe of the perspicacity displayed by number 49 old street, london town the proprietors of which have not only had a casquette created to cover more than two birds with one stone, but engineered a second that sort of does the same thing but in a different direction.
arriving with the word london upon the peak but surrounded by union jacks and look mum no hands writ large, this particualr edifice will see double duty for both the diamond jubilee and the summer's olympics. how cool is that? i am no royalist; it is my contention that robert the bruce should have refused the poll tax when first mooted by mrs thatcher in the first place, but i can see how the union jack would appeal to many. the business card end of the equation, however, is more than adequately taken care of via the second cap. bearing the french tricolour as the basis for its main construction, on which the peak proclaims courage on top with a more insistent allez should the peak be flipped up.
and for a cycle related business, what could be a more appropriate business card than an appropriately marqued casquette? this tour de france cycle cap leaves no-one under any misapprehension as to its progenitors on the red side, while the street number (49) is emblazoned in a rather distinguished sans serif on the blue. lewin chalkley of look mum no hands says he is led to believe that this is also the race number worn by tommy simpson during his mt ventoux misadventure in 1967. the proverbial double-whammy. and if all that were not sufficient, lmnh have managed to charge for their business card.
genius.
the look mum no hands tour de france and union jack cycle caps are available at a cost of £8 each via their website
wednesday 30th may 2012
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................those strange and irritating sounds
last night i stayed up late, by my standards, to watch a programme on bbc4 about climbing the eiger, a rather disturbing looking shark's tooth of a mountain situated in switzerland's bernese alps. considering there is a railway tunnel inside the mountain (who knew?) and two stations inside the rock providing the ideal way to view from the rock face, you have to wonder why the perilous few are more than keen to explore the external facets. the jungfraubahn railway terminates midway between the monch and jungfrau, making it the highest railway station in europe. who amongst us would not prefer to buy a train ticket and go look at the view in relative comfort, rather than enter the world of ice-picks, carabiners, goretext jackets and potential frostbite?
exactly.
however, it ill behoves one living in a glass house to cast any stones; doubtless the intrepid association of mountain climbers finds it difficult to reconcile why anyone would wish to dress in lycra and polyester then pummel themselves to dust in an effort to win a stuffed lion and a bouquet of flowers. who, therefore, am i to undermine the effort, skill and planning needed to climb to the top of a sheer rockface simply because it's there? though i am none the wiser as to why such an activity occupies the minds of a select minority, i switched the tv off, satisfied to have learned of the railway boring to its interior.
with islay and pretty much all of scotland experiencing unseasonably warm temperatures at present, both sitting room windows had been open all day, and as i closed them in preparation of heading to bed, i could hear running water, but unfortunately not where it was coming from. all the pipework in the house is to the rear; these were the front windows, so i was confident that a water tank hadn't sprung an unfortunate leak, particularly at 11:30 at night. disturbingly, by the time i made it to the comfort of bed, i could still hear this running water, but it thankfully halted a few minutes later.
my neighbour watering his parched garden.
bicycles do this to us all the time. no matter the make or model and no matter the cost, at some point there will be a noise, one that wasn't there yesterday. (was it?) bicycles, unlike company cars, cannot be dictated to in a similar manner, that of turning the volume up on the radio until the noise goes away. thus as the noise either increases or simply inveigles its way into a now tender psyche, every inch of the bike ride becomes a nagging agony. if, like me, you are possessed of a mechanical knowledge that can mentally deconstruct componentry while pedalling, that nagging can reach a point of frenzy that effectively ruins a perfectly good bike ride. this is not to suggest that the less mechanically educated are in any way less affected by unspecified noises, but those such as i are likely bemoaning the fact that all necessary tools to check every potential solution, are neatly hanging on the bikeshed toolboard.
there must be, by a simple process of determination, a whole army of shop mechanics sick to the back teeth of monday mornings, when the pelotonese, fresh from the sunday ride, drag a recalcitrant steed through the front door and ask them to fix 'a noise coming from somewhere'. it is an all but recognised fact that over 90% of all spurious bicycle noises sound as if they emanate from the bottom bracket (i made that statistic up, but it's probably true). this is more particular to aluminium frames than any other, but not exclusively so. that has not prevented a substantial number of cranks, chainsets, pedals and bottom brackets being unnecessarily removed, greased and occasionally thumped with a hammer in a vain attempt to silence the darned things.
it would fill a substantial number of pixels to list every potential source of unwarranted noise; bicycles may be relatively simple beings, but simple beings with a highly developed sense of mischief. this is not alleviated by the aforementioned spell of hot dry weather, conditions that encourage a drying of grease and evaporating of lubricant, leading to the odd click, squeak, scrape or bang. strangely, any of the previously mentioned only become more irritating when exhibiting no apparent mechanical failure. there is little or no joy to be garnered from managing a substantial number of kilometres, despite a life-threatening sound that would otherwise indicate a major mechanical failure that is conspicuous by its absence.
i apologise for offering no succour to the damned. i only exist in this guise to let you know you are not alone, that it happens to us all on occasion, sometimes more frequently than truly desirable (in fact, always more frequently than truly desirable) and is even an affliction experienced by bicycles only a few days distant from the bike shop or mail order outlet. youth is no respecter of silence, as many of you will know to your cost.
satisfy yourselves that, whether self-diagnosed, or left to the hapless bike shop mechanic, when the cacophonous source is discovered, it will be the first point of visitation when next a hubbub pretends to be living in your bottom bracket.
tuesday 29th may 2012
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